Ivan Santos
“As I chose to follow Jesus and surrender my sexuality to him, he began to show me what it meant to be a son and to walk in purity.”
I was age five when my mother became a born-again Christian and began taking us as a family to church. I loved going to Sunday school and learning about Jesus. I experienced the presence of God in prayer and worship environments and participated with my extended family and friends in regular fellowship and bible studies. However, around the same time my family began our faith journey, I started having sexual experiences with boys my age and older. This behavior continued until age 11, when I realized that what I was doing was wrong. From that point on, a deep sense of shame and guilt consumed my thoughts, eventually leading to severe depression and suicidal ideation by age 13. My same-sex attractions were reinforced by the discovery of pornography and masturbation, and by the time I was a junior in high school, I felt like being gay was my true identity. After coming out, I continued to attend church and pursued freedom without much success. At age 22, I threw in the towel and completely walked away from the church.
Initially, I felt extremely happy and free. I could finally be my true self. I found friends who felt like family in the LGBTQ community and pursued sexual relationships with men. Although I felt I was living my authentic life, I found myself self-medicating with alcohol and drugs to suppress feelings of self-hatred and hopelessness for the future. I also continued to entertain suicidal thoughts. Though I had rejected my faith, my mother continued to pray and fast for me. She was always respectful and loving to any partners or friends I brought home, extending the love of God to them and to me. Still, when we were alone, she would often say things like, “I think God has a different plan for you; I think one day you will marry a woman.” Frustrated and irritated by her words, I believed my sexuality was fixed.
In my early thirties, my life began to spiral out of control. My drug use escalated, and I fell into escorting. At my lowest point, I cried out to the Lord, “I don’t know how my life got to this point.” Miraculously, I heard him reply: “I’m ready to show you how good life can be if you follow me.” With tears streaming down my face, I surrendered and said yes to the Lord. But what happened next was truly transformational. Several days after crying to the Lord, I had another supernatural encounter that lasted for six consecutive days, which I believe was a result of my mother’s fervent prayers. I saw hell, demons, Satan, heaven, angels, and God as a triune being. In addition to experiencing his marvelous love, God showed me he was more powerful than the enemy, and he filled me with his spirit. On day five, Jesus himself came to my rescue and told me I was cleansed. Though I was instantly freed from my addictions that day, I still wasn’t convinced my sexuality could change. But as I chose to follow Jesus and surrender my sexuality to him, he began to show me what it meant to be a son and to walk in purity. I soon plugged in to a healthy local church where I was surrounded with godly men who embraced me and modeled healthy masculinity. As I soaked in the word of God, I began to see the beauty in God’s design for man to be with woman, and as I partnered with that truth, I saw the shift in my own attractions. I have been walking with the Lord for more than five years now, and my life is overflowing with joy. He took the decades of depression and gave me a life worth living. Today, I have normal, healthy attractions to women, and I no longer lust after or sexualize men. I look forward to having a wife and family one day. There is no better life than one lived in surrender to Jesus.