AJ Benjamin
“I became aware that He was the real man I had been looking for all my life, and though I had always tried to love Him, I never realized how much He loved me, personally and intimately. Experiencing the love of Jesus literally changed my life forever. ”
I don’t remember a time when I wasn’t attracted to men. Raised Catholic, I entered puberty inthe late 80s, and once I figured out that I was “gay,” I retreated into a life of homoerotic fantasy and compulsive masturbation as a form of self-medication. Despite my feelings, I knew deep down that homosexual acts or, indeed, any sexual act outside of marriage were not God’s will. I didn’t want these all-consuming desires, so I hid rather than face them. Although I was almost exclusively attracted to men, when I occasionally did find a woman attractive, I would avoid any kind of interaction with her because her femininity always highlighted my own perceived lack of masculinity. “I’m not man enough,” I would tell myself (sometimes subconsciously). Because I felt like a loser and a failure as a man, I longed for some man to come and save me from myself. As a result, I continued with my double-life, determined to show the world a publicly “normal” guy with no problems, while I privately engaged in my dark sexual fantasies. Eventually, I began to fantasize even about things I found loathsome, although I never had physical sex with a man.
By the time college rolled around, the cognitive dissonance of my “double life” was tearing me apart, so I finally confided in a priest. Then, toward the end of college in 1996, I cried out in desperation to the Lord. “Help me,” I prayed. “I can’t go on any more. Show me the way.” And I meant it! Within months, I went on a life-changing pilgrimage to Fatima, Portugal, where I began my process of healing in earnest. On that trip, I truly encountered Jesus Christ for the first time. I became aware that He was the real man I had been looking for all my life, and though I had always tried to love Him, I never realized how much He loved me, personally and intimately. Experiencing the love of Jesus literally changed my life forever.
Though my homosexuality had seemed so permanent and immutable, the Lord miraculously began to lift my burden on that trip. I realized how very weak and superficial my faith had been, and though the road ahead was painful and lonely at times, I gradually experienced the healing of my disordered desires. I turned my focus entirely to cultivating a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, especially through the sacraments--attending Mass, receiving the Holy Eucharist as often as possible, and remaining in a state of grace through the sacrament of confession. Though resources for those struggling with homosexuality were not as readily available as they are today, I found books by Joseph J. Nicolosi, Gerard Van Den Aardweg, and Leanne Payne (among others) to be very helpful. After graduating with a degree in counseling in 2000, I got a job as a teacher, fell in love with a woman, married her in 2003, and now we have three children. My healing process is ongoing and the Lord is always bringing me to the next step to make me a better disciple, husband, father, and man. I am truly married to my best friend, and Jesus Christ is at the center of the marriage. After almost 20 years, I thank God every day for this wonderful life He has given me, which I never imagined would be possible!
To connect with AJ’s Ministry go to: TheSilentKnight.net