Jessica Owens
“I thought because of my choices God had abandoned me, but instead I discovered He had never left.”
Raised in a Christian family, I always had an awareness of God. As a girl growing up in the South, I believed Jesus loved me, and I wanted to serve Him. However, as an early adolescent, I had an unwanted sexual encounter with a boy, which caused confusion and shame. After that, I began struggling with new sexual temptations but told no one about this sexual abuse. In high school, I was the athletic girl who didn’t enjoy “girly” things like makeup, dresses, or shopping. Guys didn’t invite me to school dances, so I believed that I wasn’t beautiful enough to be pursued. I was a teenager impacted by insecurities around my beauty.
In college, my insecurities grew, and I often experienced anxiety and fear. I found myself needing others' approval and affirmation to feel satisfied and to confirm that I belonged among my peers. I became codependent in friendships and easily experienced rejection. At 19, I began to experience same-sex attraction, which was confusing. However, as I found comfort in friendships within the LGBTQ community, I began to adopt these feelings as an identity. Acting on my newly discovered feelings, I began living a double life. I was the “good Christian girl” when I was with my family but a different person around my peers. I binged on alcohol and had sex to cope with the internal pain and confusion I was experiencing. In truth, I longed for a committed, intimate relationship to validate my identity.
After living as a closeted lesbian for six years, I met some married, heterosexual couples who seemed to have a joy and peace that I was missing. As a result, I began attending a church regularly in 2012. One day, as a boy was being baptized, I heard God say to me: “Jessica, don’t you want your father to see your children be warriors for My Kingdom?’” Even though I was sitting with my girlfriend, this statement pierced my heart and illuminated my true identity. I thought because of my choices God had abandoned me, but instead I discovered He had never left. Deep down I knew I wanted to serve God and to raise a family. Afterward, I called my mom and explained to her what I’d been going through. She responded with compassion and unconditional love, which then gave me the courage to share with a minister at church the following Sunday. Met with love once again, I thought, “How could God love me this much after all I have done?” During the worship service that day, I experienced what I can only describe as the power of God resting on me. In that moment, I dedicated my life to Him. Miraculously, following this moment, I no longer experienced attraction to women, struggled with masturbation, or desired to binge drink to cope with my pain. God became my comforter and friend. I left many old relationships behind and trusted Him to give me new friendships, which He faithfully did.
My involvement in Christian activity—attending church weekly, being involved in women’s small groups, finding places to serve in my church and in my community, times of prayer, and pastoral counseling—have all been key to my journey of wholeness. God has done so much in my life that today, I am a licensed pastor. Confident in my femininity, I love the woman I have become. I no longer experience overwhelming fear in my friendships with women or men, but rather have learned how to have healthy, meaningful relationships with both sexes. My life is full of joy, peace, and hope!