Wayne Blakey
“None of the many psychologists, pastors, and teachers who tried to help me knew what to do or how to address the impact of my broken family on my identity.”
My mother had always hoped for a girl, so when I was born, her disappointment was tangible. She probably would have jumped at the opportunity if allowed to leave the hospital without me. My father wasn’t present to protect me in my early years because he was on assignment in the military. Unfortunately, in his absence, my mother began to physically abuse me when I was just a small child. Unable to bond with her safely and appropriately, I developed disruptive and disturbing behaviors and was eventually removed from her care. Passed around to aunts and uncles, I experienced varying degrees of instability and rejection which affected the formation of my identity. At three years old, I remember running around the house screaming, “I don’t want to be a boy!” Grabbing scarves and heels and playing with dolls, I began to over-identify with the feminine.
Thankfully, my aunt and uncle permanently adopted me, but by the time I entered Christian school, I was frequently harassed and bullied. For 12 years, I was ridiculed for the myriad of behaviors I exhibited at school. None of the many psychologists, pastors, and teachers who tried to help me knew what to do or how to address the impact of my broken family on my identity. Nor did I know how to communicate my needs. I had a single appointment with a licensed counselor, for example, and all he did was encourage me to participate in masculine sports.
By the time I was in high school, the rejection I’d experienced from my male peers had made me crave relationships with other men. I felt continuously starved for male attention, so strong feelings were sparked within me any time any boy showed interest in me, and I would then sexualize that relationship.
I left my Christian roots behind at 18 years old and lived in the gay communities of San Francisco, Key West, Portland, and Seattle. Those groups welcomed me unlike anyone ever had. Up to that point, I had been ridiculed and rejected all my life, so I never formed lasting or trustworthy friendships with men. Yet, entering the gay community provided an opportunity for belonging. Jumping from relationship to relationship, I sought stability and intimacy. I also used every drug possible, throwing away all my standards for morality and self-dignity. AIDS would eventually claim all of my friends. None of my male friends saw the age of 50.
Because I was living in a way that I believed didn’t honor God, I began to question the point of life. Where will this end? I wondered. Eventually, I asked God what He wanted from me. He answered, "Intimacy." So, I chose to get to know Him, court Him, and agree with Him. I trusted Him to somehow bring me wholeness, and He did.
Through years of devotion to Him, I also began to understand my childhood traumas and their implications for my life and identity. Counseling, added to my strong belief in God's ways, gave me value, purpose, and meaning. In turn, these revelations have enabled me to support others who have walked a similar path. I love to share the wholeness that I’ve found in Jesus. My faith defines my identity, not my temptations and desires. While I still experience same-sex attraction, I will never trade the peace I have. I live a fulfilling and joyful life.
Know His Love Ministries: knowhislove.org