Anna Shadburne
“My freedom came as I surrendered my entire heart and mind to God and allowed him to reshape me as a whole person.”
Raised in a Christian home, I came to a genuine faith in elementary school. All the while, I struggled with insecurity, anxiety, and gender dysphoria. From my earliest memories I hated wearing dresses and wanted to disassociate with anything feminine. Though I didn’t know transitioning was an option, I was always thrilled when I was mistaken for a boy. By middle school, I felt isolated with very few friends. Plagued by severe anxiety and depression, I was sexually harassed, bullied, and even assaulted. In my loneliness, I began to despair to the point of having suicidal thoughts, yet I still believed God had a plan for me.
By high school I was experiencing same-sex attraction. I absolutely hated being female and couldn’t see a future as an adult woman. I discovered transgender people online and identified with the stories I read. I began to believe the lie that God had made me with a male soul and intended me to become a man. My gender identity felt like an inseparable part of myself that could never change, and all of the doctors and professionals I saw reinforced this belief. Consequently, I began to identify as male and was accepted by my peers.
As I got older, I became confused about my spiritual beliefs. I never doubted God’s presence, but I questioned His identity just as I questioned my own. I began to practice other religions, believing that God went by many names and that all religions were following Him. I also abandoned the idea of forgiveness, believing that most people could never be trusted. Around this time, I began taking testosterone, had top surgery, and entered college with my male identity. Though I felt I was achieving my goals and becoming myself, I still experienced deep inner conflict.
I lived openly and exclusively as male for about four years when God began to provoke questions in me--first about His identity and then about mine. I began to realize there was something deeply wrong with my life. My religious beliefs were inconsistent, and my pursuit of my gender identity was centered around myself. Though I claimed all I needed was God, I also claimed I needed to transition. I felt like a hypocrite, and I knew I needed change. Inspired by the leper that Jesus healed after the Sermon on the Mount, I decided to fully surrender my life to Jesus Christ and asked Him to heal me. I recommitted my life to following God in an accurate, biblical way. Within weeks, God convicted me about my gender identity, and I began the process of re-identifying as a woman. I expected to live the rest of my life with gender dysphoria but was willing to take up my cross and to die to myself, because following Jesus would be worth it. Within a few more weeks, however, God healed my gender dysphoria.
Within a year of detransitioning, I got connected with a Stephen Minister for one-on-one advice and discipleship, and soon formed many connections in my local church through small groups. God replaced my constant and crushing loneliness with a restored relationship with Himself and a Christian community in which I could truly confide. What’s more, he completely healed the suicidal thoughts that had plagued me for a decade. I went from feeling superficial happiness with deep despair to superficial despair with a deep, lasting joy. When I eventually surrendered my sexuality, God also began to ease the burden of same-sex desire. And by the grace of God, SSA is no longer a part of my daily struggle. In fact, a year after being baptized, I married a godly man who had been a close friend during college. I can see now that my freedom came as I surrendered my entire heart and mind to God and allowed him to reshape me as a whole person. My habits changed, parts of my personality changed, and my heart became more open to loving everyone. Today, I’m living a life full of harmony with Him and free of conflict with myself and my God-given identity. He has given me a clear purpose, walking with Him and discipling others. I can see in retrospect how God was with me through every part of my journey. I can testify: He is quick to forgive, and wishes that everyone would come to Him.