Stephen Thomas
“I believe that God’s answer to my prayer, ‘Please remove this from me,’ was, ‘Here’s an opportunity to stop hiding. Would you like to take it?’”
I grew up in a Christian family. My parents were able to pass their faith on to me, and for as long as I can remember, I have followed Jesus. Simultaneously though, I experienced emotional woundings in my childhood. Those woundings led to a pornography addiction at age seven and grew into a struggle with same-sex attraction.
My parents’ financial struggles resulted in the frequent oversight by my older siblings and many hours alone watching television. Television exposed me to sexuality and made me more vulnerable to porn exposure and its allure. I experienced a lot of shame from viewing porn because the unspoken message was that sex is bad until you’re married. I hid this and felt that something was wrong with me. I believed I was “a pervert.”
At age eight, I attended a new school where I was bullied. I would come home and cry to my parents, asking them to take me out of that school. One significant event was being the only boy in my class not invited to a birthday party. I believed I was left out because I wasn’t as good at sports and because something was wrong with my personality. I learned to isolate because I didn’t want to experience the pain of being picked on and made fun of. Looking back, I can see that porn was an escape from the loneliness and boredom I was experiencing as a result of my isolation.
During puberty at age 12, I had increased curiosity about the men in the porn I was viewing. I noticed that they represented guys that the girls wanted. I remember feeling that I could never be like them and that they were more masculine than me. At one point, I realized that I had become fixated on the men and, because I was already in an aroused state, I became confused about my attraction toward them. I remember saying to myself, “Oh no, I’ve made myself gay.”
I hid these feelings and attractions because they only added to all the insecurity I was already carrying. During college, my pornography use grew into engaging in sexual encounters with men. Fortunately, my faith was still alive, and I intrinsically knew that this unwanted attraction had to do with my insecurities and pain and was not my true identity. Many times, I cried out asking God to take it away, but He didn’t. Instead, He gave my parents and brother dreams about me regarding what was going on in my life. I believe that God’s answer to my prayer, “Please remove this from me,” was, “Here’s an opportunity to stop hiding. Would you like to take it?” Eventually, I responded and began to build a life without secrets.
I started receiving counseling, joined some small groups and engaged in accountability with my brother from whom I didn’t hide anything. Two years into that process, I met a woman who I felt very attracted to; so much so, that I wanted to enter into a relationship with her. I had the vision and clarity to leave pornography and hookups behind and have not engaged in those behaviors for over 15 years. Today, we are very happily married and have 3 children together. I feel confident in myself as a man and have been able to give up being fixated on the idea that other men are better than me.
Stephen Thomas Consulting: stephenthomasconsulting.com