Jandré Van Der Walt
“God has given me a freedom that I thought I would never, ever experience.”
“God has given me a freedom that I thought I would never, ever experience.”
My journey into homosexuality and identifying as gay started around age seven, when a trusted friend molested me. Then, at age eight, I initiated an inappropriate encounter with a father figure in my life— which was reciprocated and repeated again at age nine. After those experiences, I began questioning whether I was gay or bisexual. I didn’t know, but I knew that I felt different. I felt myself spiraling in confusion and uncertainty about my identity, that everything I did and everything I was trying to be were not right.
From my early childhood, my family was active in church, but I believed that God was distant and angry. I was certain that He hated me and everything I did. My relationship with my father was emotionally distant. I was the second child, unplanned and born a son when a daughter was wanted. My family struggled with poverty for a time, and my parents divorced when I was 13.
Through my teens, I asked God to come into my heart many times, but I remained confused in my identity and convinced of God’s distance and hatred toward me. I changed schools multiple times and never felt like I fit in. I was tenderhearted and would cry easily. I wasn’t tough like boys “are supposed to be,” and I preferred singing in the choir to playing sports. There was so much emptiness inside of my heart, and I tried to fill it with anything: alcohol, tobacco, pornography, masturbation, self-harm (cutting) and partying.
By age 17, I was depressed, addicted, and contemplating suicide. I hated my parents, my life, my friends, and myself. I was so full of fear and anxiety that I could hardly look others in the eye.
After I finished high school, I applied for university but was declined. I felt dead inside and that I had no purpose. Soon after, I learned about Victory Gap Year and applied, expecting further rejection, but my application was accepted. In that program, I came to understand who God is and, more importantly, for the first time, I experienced the transformation of a personal relationship with Him.
When I was confronted with God’s love and finally surrendered all of my pain and confusion to Him, I was immediately set free from every addiction and left homosexuality. God told me, “Jandré, you are not gay. That’s not who I made you to be.” Once God spoke to me, I felt like I came alive, and everything around me seemed more vibrant - as if I was seeing it rightly for the first time! He began to show me where Jesus was during the darkest and most painful experiences in my life. As it says in Deuteronomy 31:6, “He will never leave you or forsake you.” He had always been with me.
As I grew in understanding about God’s love for me, I was able to forgive my parents, those who molested me, and every person who had hurt or rejected me. He started to restore my relationship with my parents! I started trusting again, and had mentors who showed me how to love myself and others as God does and who taught me how to study the Bible to learn more about God. I felt accepted and encouraged for the first time in my life.
I also learned that my name means “tenderhearted” and “courage” and, even though I had been told since childhood that my birth wasn’t planned, I knew that I was planned by God for a reason!
God did a miracle in my life; He broke all of my chains. John 10:10 has become my reality: What the enemy tried to steal and destroy in my life, God has restored and given me abundant life! Full healing from the unhealthy mindsets of my past has been a process, but I have found my identity in Christ and know that I am God’s son. Knowing Him as my loving Father has set me free and changed my life completely. God has given me a freedom that I thought I would never, ever experience.